Buffets

Americans are obsessed with buffets. Immigrants living in America have too become infatuated with the "all you can eat" concept of the buffet. A ton of food at a reasonable price. What else can one ask for?

Buffets can be categorized by food type or meal spicificity like how you might find breakfast buffets, seafood buffets or pizza and pasta buffets. Then there are the ethnicity based buffets, like Indian, Thai, Italian or the kings of them all, the Chinese buffet. Buffets can also be just general full menu spreads, serving anything from soups and salads, to pot roast or fried chicken and naturally several types of desserts. There are of course wedding and Casino buffets too, but there's just only so much one can write about buffets.

Most buffet restaurants seem to cater to a slightly lower income crowd who might also not be as knowledgable on proper dietary guidelines as taught in primary school. They can be a fun place to go people watch although sort of mean-spirited.

One such chain of general purpose buffets is called The Golden Corral. It's a place I visit with some of my colleagues from work maybe 4 times a year. The three most common consumer archetypes at an establishment of this type would be:

1. The obese elderly or mentally challenged day care/nursing home tour group
2. The 30-50 something male laborer/painter/construction guy
3. The starry-eyed Latin American or Eastern European immigrant

Not as common would be the group I take, which consists of 3-6 well dressed and fairly fit designers, using napkins and forks AND knives. I had never been to such a place before 3 years ago, which was something that I was proud of. I was always sort of grossed out by buffets and particularly the fact that they all had that glass "sneeze guard" over all the food, which means that people must really sneeze and that guard couldn't possibly deflect all of the sneeze particles. Well, one regretful visit led to a return and then several more followed.

Since then it has become a sort of tradition that we take all the newbies to the "GC" as we call it, to sort of break them in and test their will and eating prowess. Today was one of those such days. Our newest designer is a fit young lad who suitably had never been to the GC. We built up the experience for him before hand, and as we arrived, paid, grabbed our stack of clean plates and sat at our table, he knew we had only told him the good parts. Ed our server came by just to ask us if we wanted a basket of rolls and to let us know that if we needed anything to ask him, "my name's Ed, just ask for anything".

My mates and I grabbed our "round 1" plates and headed for the buffet. Newbie was bringing up the rear and crossed paths with Ed again. He says to Ed, "yeah, I need to follow the veterans to see how this is done". To which Ed responds "If it ain't nailed down, you can eat it".

Well put Ed, well put indeed.

Wild Game...

I have been MIA the last few days at a huge innovation workshop for my largest client. I cant even begin to describe how draining these things can be. From the prep work leading up to the workshops, the grueling 12 hour days of being "on" 100% of the time and the constant roller coaster ride of praise and/or disgust. We finally wrapped up this evening and I am so glad....and exhausted. And to think, I have to go back to the office for 2 more days yet! Brilliant!

The worst part is that I not only should have been in Chicago this week at a tradeshow (which means 2-3 hours at the show and the rest of the time at Barneys, Diesel and Prada), but I also received a call from my friend who is doing reconnaisance work in Paris for an impending move. The call was short and to the point and went somthing like this...

Friend - "hey, it's Cricket"
Me - "oh, hey, how are you guys?"
Friend - "Good, hey, we're staying a couple of extra days, can you watch our cat?"
Me - "Yeah, sure, no problem. When you coming back now?"
Friend - "Tuesday, I think. Oh, by the way, you should sell all your shit and move over here. My brother's looking at Smart cars while we speak."
Me - "Ok...(thinking to myself, god I wish I were there instead of at the beginning of the last day from hell)...See you then. We miss you guys."
Friend - "yeah, later."

That was it. He went back to continue his pan-Parisian adventure, while I sucked down the rest of my coffee as the clapping began to get day 3 started amid discussions of ALL the work that was still left to be done.

The day began rocky (as they often do during these sessions), but ended with me sipping several glasses of pinot noir and hob-nobbing with the CEO of the world's largest consumer products company. Very down to earth fellow.

Actually, I have known about this session for only two weeks and spent the better part of those 2 weeks preparing, coordinating the design of several research pieces, arranging caterers and prepping my team on the facilitation aspects. Just 2 weeks prior to that, I had a great idea about a new collection I wanted to start.

Somewhere amidst sorting out several hundreds of business cards in my office one day and trying to file these in a way that would make sense....to me, I had an idea. I've always thought of business cards as just a way to compare dick size or more likely a way to have a little piece of paper legitimize your floundering career. I often times think that a card should have more info than just your name and phone number. For several folks I've interfaced with over the years I could see it like this:

Joe Blow
Corporate Fuck (Less important than I think I am)
Company Cheap-Ass
Penis size: 4" (erect)
Salary: 75k plus bonus (in my dreams)
Car: Dodge Minivan

It could be like some sort of sports trading card, embellished by feats and stats or something. It was during one of these enlightening moments that I thought to myself about starting a collection of the business cards of global CEOs and other important leaders. The elite folks, not just average blokes. I want Steve Jobs, Sir Richard Branson, Bill Gates, et al. Now the act of swapping cards takes on a completely different meaning. I envisioned having these hung on my wall somewhere like some prized game trophy from Mozambique or something. "Yes, I wrangled that rare George Soros whilst trudging through the bush, barely avoiding a stampede of wildebeast in the jungle of San Diego. Actully, come to think of it now, I wonder if these guys even have business cards?

Anyway, knowing that today I would be coming face to face with a man who could have provided me my first piece of prized corporate memorabilia, I had been trying to envision the moment, like a sniper, mentally preparing for his next hit. Then the moment came, our hands intertwined in a business-like handshake (firm, yet approachable), and all I could do was say, "nice to meet you". I may as well have gone deer hunting with a trombone instead of a shotgun.

I've met several big-whigs over the years and in my experience, most of them want to be treated like anyone else. I also subscribe to the mindset of acting like you've been there before, meaning never be awestruck by another person. Remember, they likely still wipe their own asses every morning.

Nonetheless, I missed my big chance on that one. I still want my collection, but need to define a keen strategy that will aid me in my capture of that rare specimen I so covet, all while maintaining my dignity and keeping me from looking like some sort of asshole.

Interns

Over the years at my office and previous places of employment I have hired several interns. At the big corporate jobs I've had we didn't expect much from them except to be loyal lackeys, easy prey for pranks and sometimes pretty girls to look at. I've hired stoners and bible bangers alike, all in the name of providing an educational environment for them and some cheap labor (and fun) for me.

I have been head of creative services at a design firm for a number of years now and in this environment, there is no room for jokes when it comes to interns. They need to be focused, motivated and talented beyond their ages. They're still cheap labor, but cheap labor that's actually required to produce.

This being the case, we rarely hire interns anymore as what we need isn't usually easy to find. We've actually had quite a dry spell of a couple of years or so since the last time we had interns. Ironically, we just hired 2 that will be starting in a few weeks. Funny enough, we have grown so much, I have no clue where they will sit nor what computers they will use, but that's another story.

Anyway, if anyone reads this, you'll notice that events of many sorts trigger memories and/or daydreams about related (or not) things. The hiring of these recent interns made me think back to the last one we had and how could I forget! I thought I'd never hire another one again.

We'll call him Jacob. He contacted my office in the winter of '04 I think. He sent me a sample portfolio and a resume, which both seemed decent enough to bring him in for an interview. So, he came in one morning with his work, seemed dressed nice and pleasant, and spent an hour or so with us telling his "story".

It started out with the usual conversation, meeting, greeting etc. We looked through his stuff which looked pretty good. We then scanned his resume and noticed a disparity of time and a noticably absent degree. Naturally this changed the direction of the interview a bit and sort of went like this...

Me - "...so then, what have you been doing since you graduated from school?"
Jacob - "Well, I..uh...never quite graduated...you see, um..well, ok I was dating this girl and things got really serious, but somehow things fell apart and that really messed me up. Then, well, my mom's boyfriend was poisoned with arsenic by his ex-girlfriend, but he didn't die, and he's laid up. Anyway, all this stuff really got to me and I quit school and basically have all my school work done, but have to make up 3 internships in order to graduate."
Me - stunned, "uh, ok"...
Jacob - "...you see man, I got real fucked up and lost sight of what was important and man, I realized I fuckin' love design and I've just got to get back into it."

I'm not sure what came over me at that point, but I just remember that we were shaking hands and I was telling him when he started. It's kind of a blur. You may be thinking to yourself, 'you actually hired him?!?, this kid sounds nuts!' Call me a softy, but I kind of felt for him. He seemed sincere and eager and frankly, I've always rooted for the little guy. In retrospect, maybe not the best idea, but he did make for some great stories to share. I'll begin with his first day...

Jacob shows up on a Monday bright and early and ring the doorbell to the office. I went to answer the door and I see him standing there with a monitor (looked like a 20" crt) in his hands and a rolling suitcase in tow behind him (he had run his belt through the retracting handle and was pulling it like a trailer). I let him in, showed him to his new desk and naturally had to ask what was the deal with the "stuff"? "Well, I wasn't sure if there was a computer to use here and...well...I live as a caretaker of my aunts house in the hills and i dont always go back there every night, it's kinda lonely. So, I usually bring all my stuff with me and I crash at friend's places". "Hmmmm" I say, "OK, well, we do have a PC AND and a monitor for you to use, so you dont have to bring that again. As for your suitcase, why not just leave it in your car?" "well, I have a Jeep, so I cant really leave my stuff in there because someone may slash the vinyl windows and rob me, but it's cool."

Jacob set up his workstation and all of his belonings, filled out some paperwork, got aqcuainted with the office and the design team and started his stay with us. At day's end he packed up all his things, and I mean ALL. He undid his belt and pulled it through the suitcase again, hoisted his huge monitor and asked for a hand with the door and the lift call button. I didn't mention that Jacob is a slight say 5'7" and about 10 stone (140lbs) at best.

An odd, yet strangely pleasing end (I get such joy from the little things in life) to a wierd day. Little did I know that it would be one of the more normal days of Jacob's brief employment.

1999

The last 2 days of this past week I had been stuck in a hotel conference room in Columbus, Ohio with the 45 employees of our company for our "annual" meeting. We have 3 offices, so we try to do these all-hands company meetings once a year, but they seem to happen far less frequently. This was the first one in almost 2 years, so there was a ton to get caught up on.

The meetings start off like any meeting of this sort that you can imagine (think Wall Street meets The Office). You have several slides presented by the owners with graphs, pie charts, gantt charts and the like. Then, in case you didn't understand those charts the first time, the same data points are re-charted in a different way. Call it filler.

The next part entails our 2 departments (design and engineering) walking through several slides that give an overview of all the work done since the last time we met. Being a creative firm, there are also lots of pretty pictures and leniency when it comes to giving the presentation (as far as what I can get away with saying). Good thing too as I distinctly recall drawing a similarity between a lively brainstorm session and a meth lab bust.

When I was a kid I was really shy in front of groups of people. I remember having to sing and dance as part of Mike Fink's crew in my 5th grade production of Davey Crockett. The sight of all those parents and kids in the audience was startling. Like any kid you dont want to be the one that screws up and embarasses himself or his parents. It went fine. This sort of inhibition continued into high school when my sense of humor seemed to really sharpen. I dont know how or what eventually clicked and I realised that people weren't actually lauging AT me, they were laughing WITH me...most of the time. I guess I've always marched by my own beat and have been comfortable with myself, but have been sensitive to the criticism of others. I've gotten over that too. Funny what age and experience can do to shape us.
Anyway, while these meetings are invaluable in their special way, the preparation required of management (that'd be me and a couple others), is insane. With that in mind, the first day of these meetings is always the best for me though because a), we're halfway done and b) there will be some opportunities to hang out with people outside of work and socialize.

When I checked into the hotel, naturally I flirted with the ladies behind the counter ('cause that's how I roll). The rooms were prepaid, but they needed my card anyway for "incidentals". I involuntarily replied, "good, 'cause I'm gonna party like it's 1999 and trash the joint like a rockstar". All said mind you with the straightest of faces. The women behind the counter all gasped and looked at one another trying to figure out if I was serious. It's fun to mess with old ladies. It's particuarly funny too becasue I'm normally in bed by 10....maybe 10:30 on the weekends. A girl needs her sleep ; )

So, as the day 1 meetings drew to a close and we all left for the big company dinner, I never would have thought that I wouldn't have just come back to my room afterwards, read some stuff online, send out some emails and then get to bed early to prep for day 2. How wrong I was. Dinner ended and everyone returned to the hotel bar for a nightcap. That's when I was introduced to the "chocolatini". My drink of choice normally is the Vodka Gimlet. My 007 drink if you will. Wine is also an important part of my potable life. I dont usually go for girly drinks, but I love chocolate and I guess it looked tasty. Well, 1 turned to 3 pretty damn quick and before I knew it I was being whisked away to the first of 2 bars to continue what I had started.

I'm not exactly sure which of my co-workers accompanied me or exactly how much of an ass I made of myself, but I do know that there was dancing involved..on a table no less and I was not in bed until 3:30 am or so. As comofortable (and borderline obsessive) as I've become with being in front of crowds over the years, adding alcohol to my already extroverted personality can be a recipe for disaster. Now if only I had adopted the Gimlet when I was 10, I might have had the starring role.